pennylane731's Diaryland Diary

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a mixtape, made 3-16-1993

i need you to know.
bracing against wind through slats in the blinds
the smell of clean laundry.
this is my dream. oddly.

thoughts of cross-examination
and the aching, sad freedom
scare me
like nothing known before

more
more than one backwards
several backwards
steps to years
i'm frightened, truly

i'm getting ahead of myself
racing towards a clouded "THIS"
as i so often do

12 year old mixtapes
remind me of how much i haven't changed -
i still hear melodies
i still cry the same way

screaming to my mother, tears
all those years ago
nothing has changed, except
i scream to myself, mostly, now
feeling the unrequited requited

phil collins, to shai, to obscure new wave
i thought the same way then, as i do now
only more
more

fuck MORE!
the insensitve word that taunts and haunts
urging me: don't talk, don't dream, don't eat
"you do not qualify for the simple and sensual pleasure
of life, little girl"

12 years since the mixtape
flashing before my eyes
i am still that 17 year old
driving for hours,
but never straying more than 10 miles from home

i sang, deep and rich, in 1996
"i can't make you love me, if you don't..."
and now it echoes on the mixtape
made 3 years prior to that song

it's funny how
today,
those instances that drove me to
near-suicide
made me laugh in the company of
coworkers
who enjoy my "humorous" stories

i know; i need to write a book
maybe, somehow, that will purge the demons
from my stomach, brain, and heart
and i'll be TRULY ready...

...for what will never come.

and i'll sing the songs of 1993
all over again, because
while so MUCH has changed,
i am still that strange, chubby girl
singing everything i've ever wanted

for audiences who would never understand
the depth

and tonight, for myself
in tune with this cassette

7:53 p.m. - 2005-03-17

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