pennylane731's Diaryland Diary

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the summer vacation 2005 series

"katrina"
the paisley, hibiscus-printed aftermath
sunburned, peeled and salty
i'm adding to the ocean,
the mid-atlantic breeze
giving me that last push into the undertow

how does it feel to drown - is it like flying?
after the eventual suffocation of love,
i am rounded and bloated,
washed ashore.

"an anti-depressant swan song"
i am prepared to wrap myself in
purple lace -
a new uniform for a drunken chanteuse
plump with laughter; a crush's flush

swallowing pride with pills
beer-stained and tear-kissed,
i will sit on the porch
and watch the wrecking ball destroy
the house of...love

"it doesn't work that way"
while i dreamed of peach tulips and lavender vanilla cakes,
your eyes were on the door.

you are not allowed to protect me if you leave.
your jealousy is worthless if i am no longer your possession.

i am only getting older, and any semblance of the life i dream of
becomes less attainable by the day

"i took at ego trip on my summer vacation"
at a standstill on the bridge
as $3+ per gallon
depletes our debit cards

i've never been wrapped up in someone's arms
on the shoreline;
instead love almost let me drown
love left me on the sand to burn,
to drink and dance towards another

it's the sin of wanting to be more important
than you ever will be,
or deserve to be

"finish the unfinished"
it didn't take you too long, did it?
that's the way that it goes
in this day and age, it's out of sight, out of mind
but it's been like this for months

i was more the friend you fuck than
the fuck you love
and there's a huge difference

you never have to take back
what you never said
you never have to erase and delete
what you didn't pen
a sort of secret, for show
for family and friends to know
but you didn't need me...

i was always one to display, speaking all the love
waiting for something grand that never came
i can't wait anymore

delusions, inspirations
i know i should never open up again
sacrificing health,
any shread of wealth i ever had
just to be with you

"hero worship"
i didn't want to be your cause
a mission to embark on
or a broken soul to save

i've survived alone longer than this
i'm not deficient in any way
all i ever wanted:
acceptance and love
(elusive)

the charm of my intensity
faded into annoyance
and your sense of responsibility
(along with your libido)
brought you back to my door
again and again

don't do me anymore favors
don't ask around as to how i am
just watch your mouth; your careless words
still kill...
still kill...

"scenes from the mood swing"
another false start
2 years in the making
repeating lines of everything i live for

i'm never going "home"
no resting place for me
no residence to bury my heart into

folding into laundry
drilling into thoughts of suicide
i'm logging this all in
for keeps

i'm keeping time in halves and quarters
dividing into instances --
how many cuts must be made
before the cast is complete?

i'll drive away again
always on your terms;
never on mine.

"(un)lucky 13?"
will the change come
with the invention
of a twist on supersition?
have i broken down
the list into an equation
replacing the variables
with true values?

"borders"
another interstate i'm driving
but somehow the left seems better than the right this time, i swear
trust my scenic heart attack
and a walk on fragile sands
i was the queen, i was everything

shut the window
because i've never been this full of life and i
would never have thought...
i'll get a few more hours of sleep
to crush that knowledge that i'm gonna be gone
and i would never have thought...
(that i'd do this)

is four days time enough to click the switch,
to push me over and knock on your door?

another plane i'm flying on
opposite destination from where i want to be
but i'm
further into the blue of love

9:06 p.m. - 2005-09-15

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